Lying in bed nursing a hangover, Wollongong carpet-layer Thomas Schuster, 29, has announced his "profound dismay and disappointment in myself" after reviewing the Sent Items folder in his Nokia N81 mobile phone this morning. "I would like to apologise to everyone I texted last night," he said, in a soft voice. "Especially those of you I referred to as ‘softcocks who shuld [sic] be out here partying n lookin 4 bitches'. Sorry, Nanna."

According to the evidence stored in his phone, Schuster's inebriated SMSing began relatively sedately, with a 7:36pm group message to ten of his friends, informing them he was ‘doing Jagerbombs with the boys from work' and that furthermore, they were ‘missing out big time, fuckheads'.

Fifteen minutes later, having imbibed two vodkas and Red Bull in quick succession, Schuster decided to contact Alice Hirst, a 25-year-old blonde school teacher with whom he had exchanged numbers with the previous Friday. "While it seemed like a good angle at the time," he said, "I can see that ‘We should see dark knight tomorrow night cos i like u & uve got great tits ;)' wasn't the best way to broach the subject of a potential relationship. I just hope Alice takes the compliment in the manner in which it was intended."  

"And as for my follow-up message, ‘Do u kno where i can buy some speed???', the less said, the better," he added.

Other text messages wholly regretted by Schuster included the unsolicited missives to five of his ex-girlfriends, including a girl he dated for three months in 1999, informing them all that they were ‘still very special to [his] heart' and that he'd ‘luv 2 catch up for coffee XOXO'. "Jesus," he said. "I must've been off my fucking tits to tell Sarah she was my soulmate. I'd only just got her to stop calling me in the middle of the night."

According to Schuster, the most humiliating SMS of all was the one he sent to Jared Barker, or as he referred to him in the text message, ‘the ARSEHOLE CAAAARNT who stole da love uv my life', in reference to Barker's role in the break-up of his 2007 engagement. "I have absolutely no memory of sending it. I didn't even know I had Jared's number in my phone," he said. "Ah well, looks like I'm booked in for a fistfight at Westfield Figtree this Thursday afternoon."

"I'm just glad the one where I told my boss I was quitting because he was ‘a foureyed buttmuncher who smells like crotch and arse' got stuck in Drafts," he said. "That would've been awkward."

To avoid a repeat occurence, Schuster has called upon mobile phone manufacturers to fit their products with a breathalyser.

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