National
Prime Minister Julia Gillard has attempted to appeal to both left and right in the refugee debate by playing a dog whistle and a bongo drum at the same time. Speaking at the Lowy Institute, she outlined a plan to process refugees in East Timor without demonising them in the process. "Now is not the time to blame all our ills on refugees," she said. "That time will be slightly closer to the election."
Kevin Rudd will shortly face a Caucus vote on his leadership, having had his career Bill Shortened. It is now expected that Julia Gillard will become Australia's first ranga Prime Minister. Shocked by the spill, Kevin Rudd has declared that Gillard has launched "the greatest immoral challenge of this generation."
The Australian Labor Party is bracing itself for a difficult election year, after internal research identified Prime Minister Rudd's policy failures and backdowns as a bigger moral challenge than dealing with climate change. ALP polling also shows that for Labor, Kevin Rudd is now a bigger cancer on democracy than political advertising.
Read more: "Greatest moral challenge of our generation" now Rudd's backflips
In a final show of his respect for Foreign Minister Stephen Smith, the Israeli diplomat expelled by the Australian Government has left the country on a forged Australian passport. "I may even kill a Hamas leader on my way home while wearing an Australian flag and singing your awful anthem," the unnamed diplomat claimed at Customs.
Read more: Expelled Israeli diplomat leaves on forged Australian passport
Warned of the future demise of his environmental credentials by a wild-eyed Greens Senator in a converted-hybrid DeLorean, the 1985 Peter Garrett has traversed the space-time continuum to stop his future self abandoning his environmental principles.
Read more: 1985 Peter Garrett goes back to the future to prevent 2009 Peter Garrett
Starbucks Coffee has shut down most of its Australian stores and made
their staff redundant, a move that was widely expected after a spate of
closures in the US. The move came after the company’s sales figures
confirmed market research predictions that Australian consumers were
unwilling to pay $5 for a cup of hot milk.
While the racing world reels from the devastating effects of
equine flu, there is one group feeling optimistic about the future. "It's a
shame those trainers and horse owners have lost millions of dollars," said gambling
addict Tommy Vincent. "But on the plus side, my son can get those braces he
needs."
Workplace Relations Minister Joe Hockey called John Howard
the “Don Bradman of Australian politics” this week because his
magnificent record of victories will be forever tarnished by
an embarrassing defeat in his final contest. "I was originally trying to
pay tribute to the PM's resiliance by evoking the image of the Don
batting on and on forever, immovably," Hockey said. "But as a Costello
supporter, the other implication doesn't exactly bother me."
After almost two decades of catering to the musical tastes
of the middle-aged, country singer James Blundell finally learned the secret of
cornering the youth market – have regular sex with them. “I saw Jesse Curran at
one of my concerts,” he revealed. “At first I thought she must’ve been there to hear my awesome live version of Way Out West, but it turned out she was just there with her dad."
Embattled President George W. Bush says he now values John Howard's
friendship more than ever. "After all these years, John and I find
ourselves in a similar situation," he said during a joint press
conference at APEC. "I'm prevented from being re-elected by the US
Constitution, and he's prevented by public opinion."
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